Today, I realised that I am an invisible friend.

This will sound really whiny, but since I'm invisible, I don't think anyone will be able to read my magical invisible thoughts. I honestly can't imagine what I'm doing wrong. I mean, I ask people out, ask them about their week, listen when they rant, care about them, try to be there when they need me, etc. Why don't I have a girl friend who'd do that simple little thing for me?

Don't you take pity. I'd hate that. I just miss the times when I had sisters to really talk to. If you were to ask me if I'd be friends with a carbon copy of myself, I'd reply with a resounding YES. I'd like to have a friend who'd be willing to talk to me all night over tears. I'd like to have a friend who'd shop with me and watch gossip girl/privileged/vampire diaries/glee with me. I'd like someone to care, like I do a friend. Be willing to protect me and fight through something with me, stand by me. I know I'd be willing to do that, if anyone actually came to me.

As the days go by, I just feel like maybe I wasn't meant to have friends. Maybe I am really just invisible in people's thoughts, no matter what I do. I'm not saying no one cares about me. I love my family, and I'm SO thankful for . But really, a girl just needs her girl friends sometimes.

Don't mind me.
I'm sure you can't see me anyway.

credits to threadless.

TOMORROW'S PI DAAY!

3.14, saturday, fourteenth of March. I'll assume that everyone knows what pi is, but in case you don't know, it's the ratio of the circumference and the diameter of a circle.
Why celebrate pi day?
Don't we all just love math and numbers? :D Pi is a transcendental number, it never ends. It's infinite, an irrational number. It uhh, never changes, you can always rely on it and it helps you in math. People devote years to work out the digits of pi, and right now it's about 1.2 trillion. There's actually a club that has memorised the digits til 100. Is it possible? Yeah, sure, if we all try hard enough. Someone could try to come up with a song for it. Probably easier to remember all those math formulas in AP/GP, MI or Binomial Theorem and Series though.
Okay, so if you've read this (and I know you have), celebrate pi day with a bang! Go to http://www.facade.com/legacy/amiinpi/ to see if your birthday's in pi! (Mine is! I found 221292 starting at this location in PI: 58405) Buy a pie and eat it, while reciting pi. (I'm definitely doing that.) Print a shirt with pi on it, or just type pi into your GC and watch with pleasure as the digits come out.
On a side note, it's also Albert Einstein's birthday. We could poke candles into the pie, cut it and sing Albert a happy birthday song. (:

--

People in boarding school (minus Janice) went for a night hike last week! Didn't want to go at first, but I figured, no harm, should be quite fun.
We walked from boarding school (bukit timah) to
1. Novena, tan tock seng hospital
2. KK hospital
3. Little India, stopped to take a picture at SHORT STREET in honour of Janice.
4. Bugis
5. Aljunied
6. Kallang
7. Geylang, where we walked past rows and rows of DURIANS and almost bought some.
8. Eunos.
(Or something like that, I may have gotten the order wrong.)
Yup. It started at like 8pm, and we only finished at about 1am at Eunos Idk, 5 hours of brisk walking? We were quite dead beat when we got back, and most of us had stuff on the next morning.
I, for example, had dance. Yeah, I was damn tired, but I survived. Went to PS after that to support GENESIS at DANCEWORKS! They danced their hearts out and it was awesome, no matter what the judges think.
After that, went for Doralyn's birthday treat! (THANK YOU BABE.) It was fun, yeah, got home at like 11pm?
Haha, maybe that's why I'm sick now. Had dance everyday except Sunday.

We are creatures of comfort.

We take comfort in things known,
Things that are guaranteed,
Things we've tried before.
We're afraid of letting go of things we love,
Things we held dear,
Things we think we can't live without.
We regret doing things that changed our situation,
Things we could've done differently,
Things that, if said, could keep someone close.
We cling on to memories, people, feelings, objects, places and hopes. It's our very own inertia, and we just can't picture life as we know is without them. It's like they're integrated into the very core of our being, our history, our destiny, our present. Even when these things slip away, we grasp at their afterglow.

No, there are some things we just can't let go of.

Valleys are as important as hills.

So the past week has been really slacky. My only real day of school consisted of exactly one hour of math lecture. Right now, the rest of the school's tying chinese knots, cutting paper and doing calligraphy while Cara and I are enjoying our freedom.

So we were really bored the other day, and we had nothing better to do. Solution: whip out pen and write non-sensical paragraphs. Cara and I wrote this passage, we took turns to write three words each. Some of it doesn't make sense, but I think these things bring out what we're really thinking inside.

----
Once there was a girl with long brown hair. She liked to watch planes from her balcony in a Paris apartment and eat ice-cream off her boyfriend's nose. Her boyfriend, though, never seemed to care about the way she sang out of the window when people walked by. When night fell, they'd walk to the local brothel and rate all the legs they were served.
Tragically, she only sparkled after getting drunk.
Sometimes he'd desperately pull her hair to get to the bear behind her jeans zipper. They never tried catching glitter in the dreams they ate by the vague brown coatstands. They went by the mortuary and danced to mysterious squeaking noises coming from the squirrel that hadn't been near the toaster.

"you know, sometimes I blow into lonely strangers' pinwheels. Are you thinking I'm crazy?"

"Not as crazy as the time you ate some boy's Mercedes because he told you your eyes were hollow."

"...are they hollow?"
he didn't reply.
Instead, he kissed her withered lashes and promised he'd die before her.
She frowned and pulled away.

"why did you wave to the other bicycle rider last night? she wasn't even as pretty as your first pet dog, Sasha."

"don't you dare call my sister lethal. I swear that if that police car crashes into her, my final wish won't be for you."
his lips twisted into a smile.

her arms snaked around his neck.
"...liar."

teeth flashed.
---

There are things I'm thankful for today.
1. I'm in 04, probably the class with the least bitching and/or politics.
2. I have a good roomie that isn't afriad to tell me when I'm doing things wrong.
3. I'm low profile now, omg I'm so glad my personal life isn't in the limelight anymore.
4. I have a few good friends I can trust.
5. I'm on God's side.
6. Some people really hold strong to their faith, even through it all.
7. 5-day break from the lessons that haven't even started for me.
8. An amazingly close-knit family that loves me THAT much.
9. I have enough.
10. I don't need anyone besides God.

Happy CNY people!

Well alot happened and I can't be bothered to type it out now so too bad. (:
Happy birthday to me! <3
Thank you for everything, friends.

"Ask ten people and half of them won't even be able to remember something concrete from their high school - they've blocked it out. The other half will recall an incredibly painful or embarrassing moment. They stick like glue."
-Jodi Picoult in Nineteen Minutes

Flashback to primary school.
Well alot of people know that I went to 3 different primary schools.

1. Yangzheng Primary School (Pri 1&2)
2. Anderson Primary School (Pri 3&4)
3. Raffles' Girls' Primary School (Pri 5&6)

And then 2 years in MG for Sec 1&2. Yeah, wow, I did really attend 5 schools, two years each. NJ will officially be the school I spend the most time in because as of next year, it'll be the only school I've spent more than 2 years in.

I don't tell this to everyone and anyone, but I guess I'll just let it out now. I was never the cool kid, never the one that people wanted to be friends with. I was disliked/hated, an outcast. This is why I can't remember anything from primary school. Ask me about this person and that teacher and I can only smile and honestly tell you that I don't remember anything.

Yeah, I forget and block out any memory that hurts me. It's like a self defense, to keep myself from shattering into a million pieces, to keep myself smiling, to be able to happy. Sometimes I feel that with every scar and every hurt, I grow another layer so that my heart looks like it's one piece.

Peel open the layers one by one and you'll find a small girl in a pinnafore hiding in a corner.

I remember scenes from primary school.
Everyone thought it'd be fun to act like I had a disease- the "K disease" or some shit. Everyone who touched me/ talked to me had to be "cured" by "injecting" themselves with an empty G2 pen thing. I was normal, okay, just new and awkward.
Kids who wanted to try and be nice to me so they won't feel guilty wrote me short notes, but always ignored me in public. Everyday, I would hate going to school. I would hurt so much I forgot how to cry.

There was a period of time that I was so exhausted from the teasing and hurting that I wanted to just walk out of class in the middle of lesson. I thought that maybe that would get people to realise how much I'm hurting and stop being so mean to me. Initially, I thought they'd all be shocked and concerned and stuff, but slowly I realised that no one cared. If I walked out of class in the middle of a lesson, the teacher would call my parents up and tell them that I was trying to play truant. I was trapped in a classroom with kids who avoided me because I had a disease they made up.

I remember my mother telling me that maybe, if I was nice to them, they'd be nice to me. She helped me bake cookies for the class, and I got the teacher to help give them out. The atmosphere was very very awkward, and everyone mumbled thank you with the smallest voice they could find. I learned that day that you could actually hurt by being nice to other people.

Honestly, I hate hate hate hate recounting these images, it's like they tear up the base of who I am and frighten me so bad I still cry at night. I have honestly forgotten everything else that happened, and I hope I'll never remember anything.

Now do you know why I'm such an insecure person? Why I constantly need people who need me, need people who love me? I have learnt how to tell myself that I don't need anyone, and I've learnt how to cope with being alone. Make myself busy, forget how alone I feel sometimes. I am screaming for security in this world where no one should be trusted, no, not even yourself.

Okay, omg, this is such an emo post. I had an alright day today, really. Just abit, like, weird. All I'm asking for is to not be judged, especially if you don't know a shit about me.

On a lighter note, I found a new word today. (: Chutzpah. (Koot-spar) It means to have the nerve to do something. Eg. Teacher: "Who's the one with enough chutzpah to put a dead cockroach in my tea?"