"Ask ten people and half of them won't even be able to remember something concrete from their high school - they've blocked it out. The other half will recall an incredibly painful or embarrassing moment. They stick like glue."
-Jodi Picoult in Nineteen Minutes
Flashback to primary school.
Well alot of people know that I went to 3 different primary schools.
1. Yangzheng Primary School (Pri 1&2)
2. Anderson Primary School (Pri 3&4)
3. Raffles' Girls' Primary School (Pri 5&6)
And then 2 years in MG for Sec 1&2. Yeah, wow, I did really attend 5 schools, two years each. NJ will officially be the school I spend the most time in because as of next year, it'll be the only school I've spent more than 2 years in.
I don't tell this to everyone and anyone, but I guess I'll just let it out now. I was never the cool kid, never the one that people wanted to be friends with. I was disliked/hated, an outcast. This is why I can't remember anything from primary school. Ask me about this person and that teacher and I can only smile and honestly tell you that I don't remember anything.
Yeah, I forget and block out any memory that hurts me. It's like a self defense, to keep myself from shattering into a million pieces, to keep myself smiling, to be able to happy. Sometimes I feel that with every scar and every hurt, I grow another layer so that my heart looks like it's one piece.
Peel open the layers one by one and you'll find a small girl in a pinnafore hiding in a corner.
I remember scenes from primary school.
Everyone thought it'd be fun to act like I had a disease- the "K disease" or some shit. Everyone who touched me/ talked to me had to be "cured" by "injecting" themselves with an empty G2 pen thing. I was normal, okay, just new and awkward.
Kids who wanted to try and be nice to me so they won't feel guilty wrote me short notes, but always ignored me in public. Everyday, I would hate going to school. I would hurt so much I forgot how to cry.
There was a period of time that I was so exhausted from the teasing and hurting that I wanted to just walk out of class in the middle of lesson. I thought that maybe that would get people to realise how much I'm hurting and stop being so mean to me. Initially, I thought they'd all be shocked and concerned and stuff, but slowly I realised that no one cared. If I walked out of class in the middle of a lesson, the teacher would call my parents up and tell them that I was trying to play truant. I was trapped in a classroom with kids who avoided me because I had a disease they made up.
I remember my mother telling me that maybe, if I was nice to them, they'd be nice to me. She helped me bake cookies for the class, and I got the teacher to help give them out. The atmosphere was very very awkward, and everyone mumbled thank you with the smallest voice they could find. I learned that day that you could actually hurt by being nice to other people.
Honestly, I hate hate hate hate recounting these images, it's like they tear up the base of who I am and frighten me so bad I still cry at night. I have honestly forgotten everything else that happened, and I hope I'll never remember anything.
Now do you know why I'm such an insecure person? Why I constantly need people who need me, need people who love me? I have learnt how to tell myself that I don't need anyone, and I've learnt how to cope with being alone. Make myself busy, forget how alone I feel sometimes. I am screaming for security in this world where no one should be trusted, no, not even yourself.
Okay, omg, this is such an emo post. I had an alright day today, really. Just abit, like, weird. All I'm asking for is to not be judged, especially if you don't know a shit about me.
On a lighter note, I found a new word today. (: Chutzpah. (Koot-spar) It means to have the nerve to do something. Eg. Teacher: "Who's the one with enough chutzpah to put a dead cockroach in my tea?"
posted by kat at
11:02 PM
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