Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Hebrews 12:1
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Church camp really woke me up, and I really have to learn to grow up. I've been so fixed on the world and building my own precious sandcastle here, that I've almost totally neglected the reality of God's love. I've missed out on the peace of knowing that I'm a child of God and that everything will be just as God wills it to be. I've missed out on all that and I've let satan keep me contented with the torture of seeking people's approval for everything.

I am very messed up.

Yes, I'm declaring now. I don't know what I'm doing now, and I don't know what I've fallen into, because it seems I have no control over my  life right now. And my mum was right, there has to be a point I realise that I don't have the control I used to think I had. I've been disillusioned and shaken to the core. 

It's not the result we should focus on, but the way we get there. It's not the physical but the foundations that matter. What are we built on? God? Or hedonism.

I'm reading The Screwtape Letters now and it's scaring me. I feel so deceived, so naive, so stupid. The way I've fallen for all the traps the enemy has put into my mind. I'm very wary now, and very awake. I'm trying to differentiate truth from lies, and it's so scary. I can't do this alone, and I'm so happy that I have support to help me through.

In a way, I feel so darn screwed, but yet I feel blessed.

I want to go back to the cross, and be filled with what's important. The rest is just extra.