the safe harbour

2009-12-03T22:51:00.003+08:00

Today, I realised that I am an invisible friend.

This will sound really whiny, but since I'm invisible, I don't think anyone will be able to read my magical invisible thoughts. I honestly can't imagine what I'm doing wrong. I mean, I ask people out, ask them about their week, listen when they rant, care about them, try to be there when they need me, etc. Why don't I have a girl friend who'd do that simple little thing for me?

Don't you take pity. I'd hate that. I just miss the times when I had sisters to really talk to. If you were to ask me if I'd be friends with a carbon copy of myself, I'd reply with a resounding YES. I'd like to have a friend who'd be willing to talk to me all night over tears. I'd like to have a friend who'd shop with me and watch gossip girl/privileged/vampire diaries/glee with me. I'd like someone to care, like I do a friend. Be willing to protect me and fight through something with me, stand by me. I know I'd be willing to do that, if anyone actually came to me.

As the days go by, I just feel like maybe I wasn't meant to have friends. Maybe I am really just invisible in people's thoughts, no matter what I do. I'm not saying no one cares about me. I love my family, and I'm SO thankful for . But really, a girl just needs her girl friends sometimes.

Don't mind me.
I'm sure you can't see me anyway.

2009-11-24T13:31:00.002+08:00

credits to threadless.

2009-03-13T00:22:00.007+08:00

TOMORROW'S PI DAAY!

3.14, saturday, fourteenth of March. I'll assume that everyone knows what pi is, but in case you don't know, it's the ratio of the circumference and the diameter of a circle.
Why celebrate pi day?
Don't we all just love math and numbers? :D Pi is a transcendental number, it never ends. It's infinite, an irrational number. It uhh, never changes, you can always rely on it and it helps you in math. People devote years to work out the digits of pi, and right now it's about 1.2 trillion. There's actually a club that has memorised the digits til 100. Is it possible? Yeah, sure, if we all try hard enough. Someone could try to come up with a song for it. Probably easier to remember all those math formulas in AP/GP, MI or Binomial Theorem and Series though.
Okay, so if you've read this (and I know you have), celebrate pi day with a bang! Go to http://www.facade.com/legacy/amiinpi/ to see if your birthday's in pi! (Mine is! I found 221292 starting at this location in PI: 58405) Buy a pie and eat it, while reciting pi. (I'm definitely doing that.) Print a shirt with pi on it, or just type pi into your GC and watch with pleasure as the digits come out.
On a side note, it's also Albert Einstein's birthday. We could poke candles into the pie, cut it and sing Albert a happy birthday song. (:

--

People in boarding school (minus Janice) went for a night hike last week! Didn't want to go at first, but I figured, no harm, should be quite fun.
We walked from boarding school (bukit timah) to
1. Novena, tan tock seng hospital
2. KK hospital
3. Little India, stopped to take a picture at SHORT STREET in honour of Janice.
4. Bugis
5. Aljunied
6. Kallang
7. Geylang, where we walked past rows and rows of DURIANS and almost bought some.
8. Eunos.
(Or something like that, I may have gotten the order wrong.)
Yup. It started at like 8pm, and we only finished at about 1am at Eunos Idk, 5 hours of brisk walking? We were quite dead beat when we got back, and most of us had stuff on the next morning.
I, for example, had dance. Yeah, I was damn tired, but I survived. Went to PS after that to support GENESIS at DANCEWORKS! They danced their hearts out and it was awesome, no matter what the judges think.
After that, went for Doralyn's birthday treat! (THANK YOU BABE.) It was fun, yeah, got home at like 11pm?
Haha, maybe that's why I'm sick now. Had dance everyday except Sunday.

2009-03-01T22:22:00.002+08:00

We are creatures of comfort.

We take comfort in things known,
Things that are guaranteed,
Things we've tried before.
We're afraid of letting go of things we love,
Things we held dear,
Things we think we can't live without.
We regret doing things that changed our situation,
Things we could've done differently,
Things that, if said, could keep someone close.
We cling on to memories, people, feelings, objects, places and hopes. It's our very own inertia, and we just can't picture life as we know is without them. It's like they're integrated into the very core of our being, our history, our destiny, our present. Even when these things slip away, we grasp at their afterglow.

No, there are some things we just can't let go of.

2009-01-23T09:52:00.002+08:00

Valleys are as important as hills.

So the past week has been really slacky. My only real day of school consisted of exactly one hour of math lecture. Right now, the rest of the school's tying chinese knots, cutting paper and doing calligraphy while Cara and I are enjoying our freedom.

So we were really bored the other day, and we had nothing better to do. Solution: whip out pen and write non-sensical paragraphs. Cara and I wrote this passage, we took turns to write three words each. Some of it doesn't make sense, but I think these things bring out what we're really thinking inside.

----
Once there was a girl with long brown hair. She liked to watch planes from her balcony in a Paris apartment and eat ice-cream off her boyfriend's nose. Her boyfriend, though, never seemed to care about the way she sang out of the window when people walked by. When night fell, they'd walk to the local brothel and rate all the legs they were served.
Tragically, she only sparkled after getting drunk.
Sometimes he'd desperately pull her hair to get to the bear behind her jeans zipper. They never tried catching glitter in the dreams they ate by the vague brown coatstands. They went by the mortuary and danced to mysterious squeaking noises coming from the squirrel that hadn't been near the toaster.

"you know, sometimes I blow into lonely strangers' pinwheels. Are you thinking I'm crazy?"

"Not as crazy as the time you ate some boy's Mercedes because he told you your eyes were hollow."

"...are they hollow?"
he didn't reply.
Instead, he kissed her withered lashes and promised he'd die before her.
She frowned and pulled away.

"why did you wave to the other bicycle rider last night? she wasn't even as pretty as your first pet dog, Sasha."

"don't you dare call my sister lethal. I swear that if that police car crashes into her, my final wish won't be for you."
his lips twisted into a smile.

her arms snaked around his neck.
"...liar."

teeth flashed.
---

There are things I'm thankful for today.
1. I'm in 04, probably the class with the least bitching and/or politics.
2. I have a good roomie that isn't afriad to tell me when I'm doing things wrong.
3. I'm low profile now, omg I'm so glad my personal life isn't in the limelight anymore.
4. I have a few good friends I can trust.
5. I'm on God's side.
6. Some people really hold strong to their faith, even through it all.
7. 5-day break from the lessons that haven't even started for me.
8. An amazingly close-knit family that loves me THAT much.
9. I have enough.
10. I don't need anyone besides God.

Happy CNY people!

2008-12-23T02:04:00.000+08:00

Well alot happened and I can't be bothered to type it out now so too bad. (:
Happy birthday to me! <3
Thank you for everything, friends.

2008-11-15T23:02:00.004+08:00

"Ask ten people and half of them won't even be able to remember something concrete from their high school - they've blocked it out. The other half will recall an incredibly painful or embarrassing moment. They stick like glue."
-Jodi Picoult in Nineteen Minutes

Flashback to primary school.
Well alot of people know that I went to 3 different primary schools.

1. Yangzheng Primary School (Pri 1&2)
2. Anderson Primary School (Pri 3&4)
3. Raffles' Girls' Primary School (Pri 5&6)

And then 2 years in MG for Sec 1&2. Yeah, wow, I did really attend 5 schools, two years each. NJ will officially be the school I spend the most time in because as of next year, it'll be the only school I've spent more than 2 years in.

I don't tell this to everyone and anyone, but I guess I'll just let it out now. I was never the cool kid, never the one that people wanted to be friends with. I was disliked/hated, an outcast. This is why I can't remember anything from primary school. Ask me about this person and that teacher and I can only smile and honestly tell you that I don't remember anything.

Yeah, I forget and block out any memory that hurts me. It's like a self defense, to keep myself from shattering into a million pieces, to keep myself smiling, to be able to happy. Sometimes I feel that with every scar and every hurt, I grow another layer so that my heart looks like it's one piece.

Peel open the layers one by one and you'll find a small girl in a pinnafore hiding in a corner.

I remember scenes from primary school.
Everyone thought it'd be fun to act like I had a disease- the "K disease" or some shit. Everyone who touched me/ talked to me had to be "cured" by "injecting" themselves with an empty G2 pen thing. I was normal, okay, just new and awkward.
Kids who wanted to try and be nice to me so they won't feel guilty wrote me short notes, but always ignored me in public. Everyday, I would hate going to school. I would hurt so much I forgot how to cry.

There was a period of time that I was so exhausted from the teasing and hurting that I wanted to just walk out of class in the middle of lesson. I thought that maybe that would get people to realise how much I'm hurting and stop being so mean to me. Initially, I thought they'd all be shocked and concerned and stuff, but slowly I realised that no one cared. If I walked out of class in the middle of a lesson, the teacher would call my parents up and tell them that I was trying to play truant. I was trapped in a classroom with kids who avoided me because I had a disease they made up.

I remember my mother telling me that maybe, if I was nice to them, they'd be nice to me. She helped me bake cookies for the class, and I got the teacher to help give them out. The atmosphere was very very awkward, and everyone mumbled thank you with the smallest voice they could find. I learned that day that you could actually hurt by being nice to other people.

Honestly, I hate hate hate hate recounting these images, it's like they tear up the base of who I am and frighten me so bad I still cry at night. I have honestly forgotten everything else that happened, and I hope I'll never remember anything.

Now do you know why I'm such an insecure person? Why I constantly need people who need me, need people who love me? I have learnt how to tell myself that I don't need anyone, and I've learnt how to cope with being alone. Make myself busy, forget how alone I feel sometimes. I am screaming for security in this world where no one should be trusted, no, not even yourself.

Okay, omg, this is such an emo post. I had an alright day today, really. Just abit, like, weird. All I'm asking for is to not be judged, especially if you don't know a shit about me.

On a lighter note, I found a new word today. (: Chutzpah. (Koot-spar) It means to have the nerve to do something. Eg. Teacher: "Who's the one with enough chutzpah to put a dead cockroach in my tea?"

I'll be your tourniquet.

2008-11-13T00:16:00.003+08:00

So much of the language of love was like that; you devoured someone with your eyes, you drank in the sight of him, you swallowed him whole. Love was sustenance, broken down and beating through your bloodstream.
---

"Kara brought a friend- Wilson. He is Thad's BF and Kara's Les. Fantastic right? So many lovers! haha! (Though I wouldn't be surprised if he's really Thad's BF, lol) Amanda claims he looks like a girl from eyes up."
-Huixian's blog.

Haha, omg I love hanging out with my besties.

Yesterday was Singles' Day! Did you know? 11/11, the day with the most ones. Didn't really get to celebrate it, but I did have fun. Just for the fun of it, my status on Facebook read "Kara-Anne is SINGLE, in caps." Omg, I got so many comments okay.

Jon Q: really?
Me: what dyou mean really.
Sheryl: you okay? (: boys not worth being upset over! xD
Me: yeah, i am. (: i'm just, like, single.
Vanessa: oh dear. what happened?
Me: hm? i wasn't attached to begin with dear. (:
Jason: i think you shouldn't have put it in CAPS? haha. emphasized on the wrong thing...
Me: haha, whyyyyy? what else is there to put in caps? IS?

Seriously, I even got comments when I changed my relationship status from "Married" to "Single". Haha, I got to enjoy being Single on Singles' Day okay.

Tonight, I saw "She's got the Look". I kept smiling through the show; it was so inspiring. It was so different from the rest of the modelling reality shows, y'know. So different from like America's Next Top Model or something. Real dreams were fufilled on this show. The difference is that in order to take part in this show, you have to be above 35 years old. We have 63 year old women looking so confident and believing in themselves turning up and giving their best smiles in photoshoots. They look good enough to lead campaigns; they inspire people.

It made me believe that yes, dreams can come true, even when you're 60, widowed and have 5 kids.

Wilson showed me this video today, and I'm sure everyone can sortof relate every once in awhile. I love this song, fell in love when I first heard it, and then listened to it again and again.

/edit!
I bought a new croc purse from Dorothy Perkins!

2008-11-10T22:52:00.003+08:00

Haha, omg, I love my brother much muchly. He's so cute that I'm going to be so picky about my sister-in-law. Just like he's so so sooo picky about who might be his brother-in-law and stuff. I haven't gotten his approval for anyone, so yeah.
We're discussing all the guys I was close to, and he's like, "you and your weirdest guys". We're talking on msn, and it's so funny. He cheers me up alot when I'm down and we discuss the deepest things. Sometimes his random blurness/sillyness really just gets me laughing until my tummy hurts and hurts. He makes my life that much better. (:

Just take me away. <3 says:
hahaha, i thought that was a pic of your gangster friend and his gf.
ted says:
hahaha
ted says:
no luh
ted says:
those are..
ted says:
um
ted says:
quite gross
ted says:
haha
Just take me away. <3 says:
ewww..
ted says:
ya
Just take me away. <3 says:
haha, at least i don't have any gross pics.
Just take me away. <3 says:
:D
ted says:
..
ted says:
if you do
ted says:
you no more

:D I know I can always be myself around him. It helps that he's in a guy's school. He like, gives me an in-depth description of (according to him) all the different type of guys and which category each guy falls into.
So don't look at me weird when you see that I'm so close to him. He's like my bodyguard sometimes.

I know you're jealous that I have such an awesomexzzz brother. :D

2008-11-09T18:31:00.004+08:00

I got purple hair extensions! (Shh.) :DD
Right now it's abit funny because well, my hair is wavy, but the hair extensions are like really really rebonded-like straight. It sort of sticks out like driftwood floating in the sea or something. OH WELL.
Today was Food Fiesta and Wilson came to PSPC, yay. Our stall was selling pancakes and waffles and the ones I made were gooood. :) Okay not really, they sortof spilt over and stuff, but some were nice. Amanda did most of the work, so kudos to her. Muahx. Later, we got bored and went out. Huixian wanted to get her haircut, so Amanda, Wilson and I tagged along. Huixian looks good in her new haircut, I promise. After that I went and got hair extensions. They're sortof hidden, so people won't scold me or something.

Pictures from the biennale. ;) Everyone should go, it's wow.

2008-11-05T21:16:00.002+08:00

This is the story of the boys who loved you
Who love you now and loved you then
And some were sweet, some were cold and snuffed you
And some just laid around in bed
Some had crumbled you straight to your knees
Did it cruel, did it tenderly
Some had crawled their way into your heart
To rend your ventricles apart
This is the story of the boys who loved you

I'll have you know I'm scared to death
That everything that you had said to me
Was just a lie until you left
Now I'm hoping just a little bit stronger
Hold me up just a little bit longer
I'll be fine, I swear
I'm just gone beyond repair
Well I'm thinking of the worst things
That I could say to you
But a promise doesn't mean a thing anymore
And this never will be right with me
I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly
I came to you for answers
I left confused
Cause you moved me and you promised you wouldn't let go
Now I need you and I want you to know
I am spinning out of control to be with you
I am drowning beneath these waves of confusion
Burning in the pain you left me with
Finding out things I don't want to hear
Doesn't make it any better

2008-10-31T11:55:00.001+08:00

AWAY ON SUNTANNING TRIP:
31st Oct (Friday) - 2nd Nov (Sunday)

Sms me if you miss me! ;)

2008-10-20T23:04:00.003+08:00

I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
---

Here's to the playboys,
And to the girls who string boys
Like beads on their pretty necklaces.
You are loved- and you're above that.
Here's to the plastic people
With pretty faces and forced, perfect smiles
Like people at a masquerade.
You have nothing to prove- just accept yourself.
Here's to the people who dream
About living the life and owning big houses,
Of the perfect match, and beautiful children.
You will be loved- don't give up.
Here's to the people who messed up,
Who can't sleep at night because they cry
And think that no one can understand.
Be strong- you are beautiful.
Here's to the lonely,
The I-have-friends-but-they-don't-understand people,
With broken hearts and sadness that no one shares.
Pray for a best friend- but in the mean time, be one.
Here's to the needy,
The people who give hopeful smiles,
And can't livetalkeatbreathe without a lover.
You don't need anyone- just breathe.
Here's to the beautiful people,
The stars that only show up when it's dark,
The ones who just want somebody to love.
I hear you,
I hear you.

2008-10-14T21:38:00.003+08:00

The Pain of Looking Beautiful on Stage.

During dance today, we did pointe work for like more than an hour. I didn't bring my pointe shoes, so I had to wear Jade/Sophia's and they were too small for me. I nearly died in those shoes! My feet hurt like crap now and I think all the IP2 dancers are gonna wear slippers tomorrow.

Pointe work = Blisters = Pain pain pain.

I freaking thought my toenails were gonna drop off and make a bloody mess, and my heels were sore and red 1 minute into pointe work. An hour later, I was ready to trade doing pointe work for doing the elbow stretch (left leg to the left, right to the right, as low as you can, elbows on the floor) for like 15 minutes if I could get out of the pointe shoes. I thought I felt my toes dying and toenails dropping off so I didn't want to make Jade/Sophia's shoe any more bloody. :/

Therefore, I have garnered even greater respect for those imbah ballet dancers. As if stretching and endless pirouettes + jetes aren't bad enough seriously. I don't know how we're gonna get through preparing for a performance en pointe.

When I took the shoes off I realised that all my toes were some gross shade of purple (like Barney's) and I couldn't feel my big toes. Scared me half to death, but at least there wasn't any blood. :)

Note to self:
1. Cut toenails before dance
2. Bring own pointe shoes or perish
3. FGS stop obsessing over him

2008-10-12T23:10:00.004+08:00

Heal my heart and make it clean,
Open up my eyes to the things unseen.
Show me how to love like You have loved me.
---

DANCING by Elisa
Performed by Lacey and Kameron.

WD is dancing to this music for Open Day. We will so rock it! In the meantime, this has got to be one of my favourite performances ever! I watched it over and over and over again. I know it's abit outdated, but I mean, not everyone has seen it before.

Qiulin's Vid! An original, most definitely. Done by the one and only RENJEAN. Haha, unglam unglam! We love you, Qiu!

Today, Merv came over and entertained my mum. Haha, he helped pack some competition papers for her while I surfed facebook/neopets etc. Then we played Monopoly Disney. My brother won us by a landslide and the game just got more and more quiet. :( Poor us. I wasn't too bad, but later in the game, both my brother and I were so happy when we could give Merv money. Haha. He was mean to me in the beginning of the game, but I am NICE and I helped him in the end. :D

This week was a happy week.
I love happy weeks. (:

2008-10-11T19:19:00.011+08:00

Seventeen Super Stylin'!
Ah, I'm finally blogging about Seventeen Superstylin'. It was awesome, you guys! Cara and I went there, hoping that we'd be chosen as finalists for the Seventeen-GAP spread in December, but we didn't. Instead, we became the Miss Fasio(s) 2008! :D

So we got there really early and all, but we went to use the washroom, and when we came out, we were like, whoa. The queue was really really longg. While waiting to get in, we felt quite awkward. Everyone there was really long, skinny, tall and fashionable. I mean, I did expect that, but come on, no losers? ):

Before:

We looked pretty awesome to begin with, hello. ;)

So we went up to the Fasio booth to get makeup done. The makeup artists there were really weet and all. They gave we Fuschia lipstick! Which is the love, btw. Never dared to try it, but it really brought out spunk. Awesome stuff.
After Cara left, the makeup artists were saying (in chinese) how Jap Cara looks. They didn't believe that she was Singaporean. I just smiled.

Cara and I had some hairstyling done! We had it done nearing the end of the event, so they had alot of extra stuff they didn't know what to do with, so Cara and I grabbed them up. :)
Loook! Cara goes from bald to super volume! We are so gonna get curlers. I love ze hair!

After!

When we left the place to use the washroom, we got one huge shock. The makeup was totally plastered onto our faces, much like...well, plaster. We took this picture in remembrance. It was here that I bet with Cara that she'd be Ms Fasio. The Fasio people kept asking me for our registration numbers! I was like, yes yes, 181 and 182. We both lost and won at the same time anyway.
We were both crowned Ms Fasio 2008! :D
(Cara did all the work.) We went up the runway to have our pictures taken and won Fasio makeup. Plus, the Fasio lady took down our contact. She says we'll have a photoshoot, but I don't dare to hope too much. :/

I took pictures with Sasha Gonzales, main editor of Seventeen, and her co-writers from the magazine. ♥ They said that they were honored to be asked. I can't imagine why, I was the one who felt honored.

Pictures with our awesome hairstylists. They really do magic with hair, plus, they were so sweet and everything. The guy is Jack, I bet he likes Cara. (Haha.) Anyway, he took down our numbers, and hopefully (fingers crossed) he'll ask us to be his models for something.

A picture with Nixem, the Runway Director. Did I mention that he looks good in his magic heels? Better than me. Poot.

Anyway, Summarissa ruled the runway today. Going out my Summer is crazy fun! Love you love you long, long time girl. ♥

/edit!
When we went up to take the pictures with Nixem,
(From Cara's blog: )
Nixem: "are you two the models too?"
Us: "uh..."
Jack: (headbutts in) "no no no don't steal them they're MY models!"
---
So Nixem took down our contacts too, and this photographer guy asked us (really seriously) if we had portfolios. :D :D :D :D :D ohmani'msohappyi'mneverforgettingthisdayever!

Quoting Cara, "it was, hands down, the best Summarissa outing ever. We were never much of a Fab Four, but the truth of the matter is: Summarissa WILL always be."

2008-10-08T22:47:00.002+08:00

Happy post today. :D

Happy Sixteenth Birthday Huixian! Yup, this is a birthday post. You're an amazing friend, and thank you for putting up with all my weird stuff all through my life. Come to think of it, yeah, I have known you all my life, almost. Don't let anyone tell you that you're not good enough or pretty enough or skinny enough, because you are so so loved by your friends, and especially by God. Keep growing strong and beautiful, and remember God in all that you do. Love you deep deep!

Amanda, Shona and I surprised Huixian today. :D So rewind to Sunday. Amanda and I went up to Huixian's mum to ask her if we could take her out for dinner on the 8th. She said yes, and we had it all planned. At 5pm, Huixian's mum told her to go bathe. Huixian was like, why? Where are we going? And her mum just said "Don't know." Haha, so enter Amanda, Shona and I. We went into her house with balloons and a cupcake with a candle while she was bathing. When she came out, we surprised her. (A whole new meaning to the word surprised.) Haha.

She stared at us for like, a second before screaming one loud high-pitched scream. It was priceless, really. We couldn't stop laughing! Surprising people is fun. :D So then we went to Jack's Place to have dinner and then we wandered around for awhile.

So change the scene back to NJ. We got back most of our papers, and I really have to thank God for helping me through this. It's a pure miracle I ended up with an A for both maths, seriously. I even got like 69.6% for MA2104. I was so elated I very definitely squealed, which, as you all know, I really hardly do. :D So yeah, I'm definitely happy with my marks. As for physics, bio, MA2104, MA2103, but B+ for geog and a very decent C (with sparkles) for Chinese. C for Chinese right! That works. I was just a little disappointed for my bio, which I hoped to get A+ for, but oh well. I'm thankful for what I got, and I promised that I would give all glory to God, sooo yeah. It's all His providence anyway, definitely couldn't have done it on my own.

So yes. Happy post.
Oh come on, it isn't that rare really.

2008-10-05T21:59:00.002+08:00

Wow, Idk. Exams just flew past and I'm starting to realise that I don't have to study anymore til... oh yeah. I still do. Higher Chinese... Awesome. So tomorrow we're getting back our first paper! LA. We are going to school for a grand total of 50 minutes of lesson. I know it's taboo to say this, but it's such a waste of time. :/ Hopefully I get to go out after it.
This weekend was really disappointing for me. I had plans, but I had to cancel. And it was such a bummer. Went to Ikea Tampines, circled Pasir Ris, talked about OCS/army with Julian, Germ and Julia and just, well, did nothing.

Nothing nothing nothing.

And I can't help but not regret, yet I sort-of do, or don't. And I don't know what's going on now. I can't help but think and think and think. It's like, I don't even know what I'm thinking about. Cara tells me I'm PMSing, but I've never stopped thinking. And I have so many questions, but I will not ask them. I'm supposed to wait until I won't be affected if you get a girlfriend, but I don't know when that day will come.
My posts are just really vague, as always, and everyone will wander who I'm talking about. Sometimes, maybe, you're wrong, but sometimes you're right.
Crap, look at me. I'm talking to myself now aren't I? I'm freaking myself out. I'm a little delusional at night. But I'm not thinking about this. I'm really not. This is just going into my diary and hopefully it will just flow through my system.

It's just that I know it won't, okay.
I need serious therapy.

2008-09-26T14:41:00.003+08:00

Today, I bought a plant! :D
Yesterday, I climbed up my bed and found 8 hairbands next to my pillow. I was like, wow, I left all these here?
Tomorrow, I'm going to spend the day with Mdm. Math, again.
Andd, when September ends, so does ass week. Hurray!

2008-09-24T14:55:00.003+08:00

In every life,

There's a pause that is better than onward rush,
Better than hewing or mightiest doing;
'Tis the standing sill at Sovreign will.

There's a hush that is better than ardent speech,
Better than sighing or wilderness crying;
'Tis the being still at Sovreign will.

The pause and the hush sing a double song
In unison low and for all time long'
O human soul, God's working plan
Goes on, nor needs the aid of man!

Stand still and see,
Be still and know.

-V Raymond Edman

2008-09-13T00:02:00.001+08:00

No weapon forged against you will prevail,
and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.
This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD,
and this is their vindication from me,"
declares the LORD.
-Isaiah 54:17
-----------------------------------------

This is my prayer in the desert,
When all that’s within me feels dry.
This is my prayer in my hunger and need,
My God is the God who provides.
This is my prayer in the fire,
In weakness or trial or pain.
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold,
So refine me Lord through the flame.
I will bring praise, I will bring praise.
No weapon formed against me shall remain,
I will rejoice, I will declare;
God is my victory and He is here,
This is my prayer in the battle,
When triumph is still on its way.
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ,
So firm on His promise I’ll stand.
All of my life,
In every season.
You are still God,
I have a reason to sing,
I have a reason to worship.
This is my prayer in the harvest,
When favour and providence flow.
I know I’m filled to be emptied again,
The seed I’ve received I will sow.

2008-09-12T16:33:00.002+08:00

Remember this? You read it with me opposite you in the library. It's word for word.

He loves me, he loves me.
And it felt as if he couldn't bear to let me go.
I'm not saying that it felt right or perfect or anything,
But I know it happened.
And I'm putting my trust in him.
I whispered in his ear:
"I love you too."
And now I hope that this will last.
I know that I will break and fall if he lets go.
And I know that I will die inside.
-Again.
We're speeding forward like desperate, thirsty lovers,
Like we've waited forever for this.
I tremble at his touch,
And he shines inside.
So I hope that this love will be like fire,
I hope that it will spread through me,
I hope that it will burn, burn, burn.
Burn bright, and resonate through us.
I want to believe (wholeheartedly),
That this love is true,
That this love will be whatever you say it will be.
And I want to put my faith in you.
I want to be unafraid to love you.
I want to be bold, to stand proud.
Be my rescue,
Like you promised,
And I will be everything you want me to be.
And my heart will be yours.
Be true, oh please be true.
I'm almost afraid that I made you up.
Because you're almost perfect.

Burn, burn, burn.

2008-09-12T01:12:00.002+08:00

It was a laughable, egregious contretemp, wasn't it? That evening, after what you did, I was discombobulated. When we bifurcated, you left an astrobleme on my heart. You bloviated and filled your mind and other people's minds with confabulation. The excoriation I faced, you would not know. I'm sorry I tried to be pococurante, but at that time, I was quaquaversal. Now, I'm changed; I'm sanguine, and praying for vindication. And I'm being sesquipedalian on purpose.

I learnt these words with my brother at vivo yesterday, so I'm trying to use them now. (: Haha, I'm quite sure they're not used in the right way? When you look it up in the dictionary, just look at the meaning. Truth is, I don't know how to use these words at all. :/
(Haha.)
We are seperate entities.

2008-09-09T20:35:00.005+08:00

So. Here's a question for you.
Do I wear watches?
(No.)
So on Monday, I decided that I'll be a good student and bring my own watch to school for my Chinese prelims! :D Yeah, I know, that's quite normal. The thing is, after the paper and everything, at about 3pm, my dad picked me up and asked me for the date. I looked at my watch and realised it didn't have a date thing. Then my dad looked at me really weird. He was like, "Why's it 7 o'clock on your watch?". I was like, oh. It stopped. :/
And I didn't realise until, like, long after the paper. I think I might actually bring those big kiasu alarm clocks and put it infront of me during ass week.

/edit
(Oh no! I'm such a bimbo!) WEAR a watch, not where a watch. It's ass week's fault, really!

2008-09-06T00:22:00.006+08:00

I found the verse that drove me to react the way I did. :) Today at DBS, we went through Matthew 5:1-48. Please go read it?
Anyway. The verse that I remembered was Matthew 5:38-48.

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.
"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' 44But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

..Aandd yes. So I mean, it's near impossible to love your enemy, especially if he/she has done really mean things and has hurt you really bad, but try to look at it from another point of view. Move over to God's perspective. God loves people, every single one, but He hates satan, the fallen angels and sin. So what we should do is to not hate the people who have wronged us but rather, love the person and hate the sin. It's much easier to see sin as the enemy and not the person. Everyone does wrong and hurts someone sometime or another.

Plus, today was abit weird because of all the talk on stuff pertaining to human reproduction. Saw some really gross graphic pictures today. Shall not elaborate. Renjean, Cara, yall are fortunate to have missed that. :/

My mum got an epiphany today. So we were sitting around eating beancurd with glutinous rice balls when she suddenly declared that my husband has to be KIND. She went on to elaborate that KINDness is the first criteria for choosing a guy, based on character alone. So that's point one of who to look out for. That's going into my journal to my future husband. :D

2008-09-02T20:55:00.000+08:00

It's like I never lived
Before my life with you
So much was missing here
I never even knew
I still picture the place we were
When I fell into your world
My heart is in you
Where you go you carry me
I bleed
If you bleed
Your heart beats
Inside of me
You're keeping me alive
I don't know why feel this way
But something's right
You're like the morning air
Before the light arrives
No more lonely and
No more night
No more secrets to hide
I'll hold you near
Together, we'll never die
Your love is keeping me alive

2008-09-01T23:17:00.001+08:00

it is defninitely amazing that I'm blogging now. Haha, I'm really quite dead busy today. This one's gonna be short. This is the very popular quote that people keep saying. This is the complete real quote.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

It's by Marianne williamson.

2008-08-30T23:09:00.002+08:00

I sought the Lord, and He answered me;
He delivered me from all my fears.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves thosed who are crushed in spirit.
-Psalm 34:4,18
---

Well, I can't say that this week has been perfect. In fact, it got rather bad at times. The special thing about this week is that I was stronger. I'm convinced that very few people know what I'm going through, and no one besides God will see me for who I am. I'm not who I look like. I act based on things you will never know and you probably will never go through. I'm really whining, but if you knew what I went through and how much I've hurt, you wouldn't look at me the same way.

But the thing is? Jesus got it worse. He was hated for doing the right thing, and yet he loved the very people who killed Him. He's my example today and forever.

I've been praying more, reading more of His word. I'm realising how every-day conversations are actually spiritual warfare hidden by the masks of laughter and jokes. In any case, I've discarded my desperate need for friends. I'm going to try to be a friend rather than get friends. I've realised that I've pursued friendships in a very selfish way. It was for me, my security, my happiness. And this isn't friendship at all. It's just, well, selfish.

AND I don't need a boyfriend to be secure.

I'm writing a journal to my future husband. Haha, sure. Everyone I've told this to has given me a "seriously?" look and a laugh. I'm doing this to acknowledge that my future husband has already been set apart for me. It's to tell myself how special this person has to be, to keep me pure for this special someone aaand so that my husband will know me better, know what I mean when I say "I've waited for you and I know God put you here for me." I'm not going back to the old self.

Also, the book I'm doing for quiet time tells me how Christians should be.
1. They obey God's commands. (1 John 2:3-4)
2. They act like Jesus. (1 John 2:5b-6)
3. They don't hold grudges, they don't hate. (1 John 2:9)
4. They don't love material things or things of the world. (1 John 2:15b)
5. They don't wander away from their faith. (1 John 2:19b)

I'm just so grateful that I have someone who understands my 3am tears and all the hurt I've ever felt before. Who needs a boyfriend now when I have someone like that?

2008-07-23T20:53:00.004+08:00

I have a few things to blog about. Not much, since I'm in a decidedly bad mood.

1. I'm in pain, again, and I swear I'm getting so annoyed with it. (Although it really scares me.) I think I won't go to school tomorrow. Need to rest and catch up on stuff. Don't think I'll be able to get up from bed tomorrow morning anyway. No, really. I hate this. I couldn't dance properly yesterday because of it, and yall dancers out there, y'know how helpless it makes us feel. Argh. Oh, yes, thank you new exco + Jade, Erika and Janice for being so concerned and caring.

2. I feel quite alone now, but I sort'uv like it. It's like, quite peaceful-quiet-ish. I'm not lonely, just too cught up with thinking to bother. I'll stick to my real friends, I really don't have to try to please everybody. I'm actually learning how to be more comfortable around myself. Quite useful.

3. I had 20 durian seeds on Sunday, 13 on Monday and 6 yesterday. Durian season, durian craze. It's this really cool un-urban thing my family does every year. My mum declared that my husband should not only be a dancing doctor, but a dancing doctor who eats durians. There's something fishy about the D's.

4. I think I've sealed my heart somewhere. It's strange, but I don't feel very strong emotions now. Must be part of the process? Idk, I've been rather mood-swingish lately though. Very volatile. I have random "I-don't-like-you" moods. Haha, no worries, I get over it before nightfall.

The end. Maybe I'll blog tomorrow about other random things.

2008-07-21T01:03:00.000+08:00

I could make insane-sounding poems too.
But no, I move forward.
And I know who my real friends are,
And I know why I hate the person I do.
I will forget your name,
I will forget your name.

2008-07-04T14:28:00.003+08:00

The sky bleeds mascara black as I sit here, realising what I've done.
I dare not speak, I dare not read, I merely sit.
You were my medicine,
The only threads that kept my heart from falling into pieces,
but as I exploded, I left you behind.
Things I should've told you a month ago, a year ago,
They laugh as if knowing all along,
How much pain they would cause.
My mind screams innocence,
But my heart retracts
Into a tiny ball of regret.
Why should I be able to smile?
It's my fault, mine, and I caused the pain.
When the poison causes my heart to stop,
I shall sigh,
"I am not dead."

You look well,
Thank you.

2008-07-02T00:52:00.003+08:00

~~Insignificant things seem more~~
~~My life has been rather~~
~~I wish I could just~~
~~It's stupid how I wish~~
~~You don't seem to~~
~~My friends look at me strange now that we've~~
~~I spend all my time trying to distract myself from~~

I can't blog.

2008-06-11T22:30:00.002+08:00

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Hebrews 12:1
--

Church camp really woke me up, and I really have to learn to grow up. I've been so fixed on the world and building my own precious sandcastle here, that I've almost totally neglected the reality of God's love. I've missed out on the peace of knowing that I'm a child of God and that everything will be just as God wills it to be. I've missed out on all that and I've let satan keep me contented with the torture of seeking people's approval for everything.

I am very messed up.

Yes, I'm declaring now. I don't know what I'm doing now, and I don't know what I've fallen into, because it seems I have no control over my life right now. And my mum was right, there has to be a point I realise that I don't have the control I used to think I had. I've been disillusioned and shaken to the core.

It's not the result we should focus on, but the way we get there. It's not the physical but the foundations that matter. What are we built on? God? Or hedonism.

I'm reading The Screwtape Letters now and it's scaring me. I feel so deceived, so naive, so stupid. The way I've fallen for all the traps the enemy has put into my mind. I'm very wary now, and very awake. I'm trying to differentiate truth from lies, and it's so scary. I can't do this alone, and I'm so happy that I have support to help me through.

In a way, I feel so darn screwed, but yet I feel blessed.

I want to go back to the cross, and be filled with what's important. The rest is just extra.

2008-06-09T22:10:00.002+08:00

Who is the person you trust most?
God. Don't really trust people.

Do you think you have enough confidence?
Yes, because I am loved.

Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
Yes, I'm a happy hopeful person, really. No storm can go on for eternity.

Do you believe in eternal love?
Yes. Love that isn't eternal isn't love at all.

Have you hurt someone so bad they contemplated suicide?
Uhm, no? Hopefully.

What feeling do you love most?
Love, needless to say.

What's your favourite band?
Don't like limiting myself to favourites. Depends on the genre? Hillsong, Waking Ashland, Trading Yesterday, This Day and Age, etc.

Do you want to be good-looking?
There are times I wish I were more plain, but most of the time, everyone wants perfection.

What is the most important thing in your life right now?
God and security.

Describe the person who tagged you in 5 words. (Huixian)
Unique, thoughtful, innocent and helpful.

If time were to rewind, when would you want to start over?
P6. I want to slap the guy who manipulated me.

Name one person that you are madly in love with?
God. He's my Father, Savior, Redeemer, God and Friend.

Yes Huixian, I missed out a few questions. Thought them either irrelevant or obvious. (:
Why am I feeling so serious now? Oh well. I'm just really tired now. Like blah.
Church camp was a blast, and I haven't uploaded or blogged about Aristal. Another time yeah? Imma crash.

2008-05-26T22:58:00.005+08:00

Everything is gonna be okay.
You're beautiful, and it's more than skin deep.
Let it shine.
---

Zomg, exams are finally finally over for me. The papers were less than wonderful. And less than good. In fact, they were rather sucky. Imma blame it on.. something.

So yeah, enough of exams. It's the hols! :D I'm fully booked from now til the 16th of June, excluding the 13th. (Which, by the way, is Friday the 13th.) I have dance pracs everyday til Aristal, and practices from 8am to 8pm. It'll be hella tiring, but the hundreds of hours we've put in; they're all for the night. For the love, passion, and the thrill of dancing alongside with other passionate dancers. Awesome, really. It's all for the people who care enough to want to come support a friend. I mean, this is really important for me, and I really want my friends to be there for me.

Friday, 23rd- Investiture was really sweet and moving. I think alot of us felt like crying. It's sad to have to see the 40th move on, but it's heartening to know that the 41st is stepping up. It's also really encouraging that the 41st is united, capable and true to our cause. ALLtitude: Attitude, Altitude and Aptitude. I heart the 41st.

Saturday, 24th- Went for hillsongs on saturday! It was awesomee. For me at least, since I knew all the songs. Lesson: go listen to the band if you're going for their concert. I think the whole health and wealth thing about God wanting to give you a nintendo wii is just crap, though. It was quite worldly.

God gave us underserved GRACE by sending His son to die for our sins.
(Not by granting us health and wealth.)

Sunday, 25th- Also had CPU JTS at plaza sing on sunday. It was fuuun. :] Treated the seniors to swensens, camwhored quite abit, and went to the arcade to kill soldiers and throw hoops. Nicholas won the CAR. Yes, we gave him a car because he killed the most soldiers. Junlong and Lennon were super pro in the arcade games.

Monday, 26th- Chem/Phy paper at 8:15am and Bio paper at 11am. CPU meeting at 12nn, Dance from 1-4:30pm and again from 5:30-9:50pm. Bloody tired, but accomplished.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE OUTINGS! Summer Marissa stayover, OC outing, Wild wild wet, Manda-huixian-kara outing, peranakan museum trip, dance chalet, birthday parties, church camp, CPU camp, Angsanna holiday, etc.

INVESTITURE PICS.
(Will upload the CPU JTS and hillsong pictures soon.)

2008-05-19T21:40:00.003+08:00

Firstly, I must declare; I ran 3.6km today, and it was refreshing. All ye trackers out there, please don't laugh. Haha. It's actually still the longest distance I've ran. (I did do it a few times though.) Imma run 4.8km soon. For the joy of running.

I copied this off the class blog! Absolutely could not resist posting it here. It made me laugh for such a long time! Haha, yes, I am in omega.

"and, a tribute to all omega students!
[some people suggested that i put it up here]
a song, to the tune of "apologize" - one republic

I'm sitting here in class eyelids drooping to the ground
I'm seeing Eng's mouth move but I just can't hear a sound
You put me in Omega then you see me grades go down, away
You tell me go and study but my grades won't turn around, no A

And now it's too late to go revise
It's too late
It's too late to go revise
It's too late
It's too late to go revise.

[lyrics by carl and ronnie john, names changed to protect privacy]"

--
D'you know?
For you I bleed myself dry,
For you I bleed myself dry.

2008-05-18T23:15:00.002+08:00

Since I've finally met you, I don't think I can write anything.
Because everything about you, will be beautifully unexplainable.
---

Omg yes, I know. I have't update for a few decades. Life has been absolutely crazy for me. I find myself staring at my organiser for minutes, wondering how i'm gonna handle everything. Things clash everyday, and no one's happy because I've got to be at 3 places at the same time doing equally important things.

Ah yes. Life is wonderful.

People have asked me if I regret joining council, but I've always said no. It seems rather crazy, I know, but I do love the councillors, and I love the job. I don't regret joining council. (Not yet, anyway.)

I joined council because since the time I first entered the school, they've left a lasting impression in my mind. The councillors, they just have this air about them. Like they're capable, independent, responsible and able. I see them alone alot, like, hurrying to do their next duty. I see them so so tired, and I see them so worn out, but yet, they're so alive. They're able to have so much fun despite the stuff they go through. They take so much joy and pride in serving people, even though they're critisised all the time. I want to be like them.

I know that I don't exactly look like council-material, or whatever. I know I'm not perfect, I know I don't really resemble some of the other councillors, but hey. I'm me. I'm learning, slowly, how to be the best I can be. I've learnt so much already, through the campaigning, elections, through the elects' camp, through the smaller projects. I'm actually proud to be part of this wonderful group of people. They're inspiring.

Oh yes! Luke read my mind today. He described my dream home to me.
Luke: "And roses and brambles and creeping blueberry vines snaking along the terracotta brick wall, Green ivy and moss caressing the brick red masonry. And if only S'pore was cold, a little cosy fireplace, with a cute little hearth and a dainty chimney. The tea room, with fresh scones and butter and strawberry jam and goat's milk and canapes, cottage cheese and garden salad with olive oil."
Me: "A chandelier, crystal, hanging right above a chestnut table with engravings. And a family, with alot of love."
Luke: "Ornate, intricately carved vintage table. Walls with curtains at the windows which reflect all the mirth and joy of the room around the cottage. The sighing'uv the rhodendrons and the laughter of the tulips and the golden cocker spaniel near the fireplace, sighing in contentment.
All is right in the world.
Me: "My description's never gonna be as good as yours, but yes; that is my dream house."

Aaand! We have officially formed the O.C. four! Cara is Summer, Luke is Ryan, Ash is Seth and I am Marissa. We're gonna have a camwhoring session/O.C. outing during the hols. I can't wait!

Yes, life is wonderful.
(Note the deliberate missing-out of ass week.)

2008-04-19T19:22:00.007+08:00

This is the IP AEP showcase for the IP preview that happened today. :D

This is my first oil painting, one of the four shown. I think Priscilla's totally pwns mine, but what the hell, yeah? I'm proud of mine.

AND OMG, I'M SO HAPPY.
I got really good comments, plus I finally found who the gorgeous boy I painted (^) is. His name is Alex Evans, AKA Alex Heartbreaker. (As seen from the comments.) He has his own clothing line. Haha. Coolio.

This is my final fashion design. ^
The one below is done by Priscilla. I'm officially a fan.

2008-04-18T23:13:00.001+08:00

Yeah I know I haven’t been posting. Sorraye. The past few weeks have been so crazy! Now that I’m in council, I’m sortof relieved, but apprehensive at the same time. The elects camp we had from Friday to Sunday was a really good time of learning and bonding with the other elects. Walking to Sentosa++ was.. nice. (~24km?) Made a lot of new friends! I think it’s really cool that we’re already so united, even when we aren’t officially in council yet. I can’t wait to be invested. :D

I’ve been feeling quite crazy today. Sure, I’m enjoying life and living it to the fullest. Fullest. I’m in IP2, AEP, Western Dance, Council and I’m a worship leader in church. Anndd life will get more busy as my whole entity gets engulfed by council work etc. especially if I get to be in the exco. I don’t know. It’s as if being in the 3rd/4th best JC’s IP program, having an extra subject (art, no less), being in one of the most hectic CCAs (with at least 3 practices per week for 3 hours), being in council (self explanatory) and being a worship leader isn’t enough and I want to take on more responsibilities. Crazy, really. It’s a wonder I manage to do the heaps of homework and study for my tests.

Well, it’s my life I guess. Might as well take it to the max.

---
Oh, honey.
No, not the one who wants you to go out of your way to meet him.
Ask yourself if it's pure infatuation.

2008-04-09T22:47:00.001+08:00

Look for the boy who will go out of his way
Just so he could see you for five minutes.
---

I got into council! Haha, as expected, I suppose. I would’ve been devastated if I didn’t. Oh, and it’s quite awesome that all the people I’m associated to got elected successfully too. Like, all the IP2s, all the Aerius people, all the dancers, all my candidate group members and all the people from my class (duh). Congrats to all my fellow elects!

So we’ll be having the highly reputable elects camp from Friday to Sunday. The timetable looks quite bad to me already. Like omg, wth bad. On Friday, lights out is at 11pm, night walk is at 1:30am on Saturday and then at 5:30am, we set off for some land expedition at SENTOSA, and that ends at 7pm. I don’t know how I’m gonna go for the Aristal showcase! Gah. Plus, they don’t allow any electronic devices except cameras. No handphone, no ipod. Me- so- die. Sniff.

Tomorrow, I have 3 things with clashing timings. Wonderful, really. I just wonder how many more of these I have to deal with. Don’t get me wrong; I’m really happy I got into council and all the ad hocs look so so fun, but yeah. There goes my year. I hope I’ll get to go for planetshakers. ):

I owe 2 people meals, just cos I got into council. Yeah, they sortof bet with me that I’ll get in. At least I know Amanda doesn’t mind chicken rice on Sunday or something. I’m so broke.

I think I wanted to write something else here, but I can’t remember what, so yeah. Oops.

2008-04-04T23:18:00.002+08:00

So campaigning and voting has ended, and the future is fixed. Thank you, thank you, and thank you to all who voted for me. You people are the best! I’ve been so.. bold. I’ve been asking people to vote for me, like, non-stop over the past few days. It’s so embarrassing. Haha, sorry to all who were annoyed/offended by my many attempts to rally votes.

Oh yes, I know I’m not top 10, not top 15, probably not even top 30, but I’m hoping and hoping that I’ll scrape through. Congrats to Tracy, Jade, Zixiang, Eugene, Maxine and Gabriella though! They’re definitely in cos they were in the top 15 list today.

Tomorrow imma go celebrate the end of the 2 life-changing campaigning weeks. Dance is from 9 to 11, then at 2, I’m going with the dancers to St. James Power Station to support ALLEGRO at the DANCEWORKS FINALS. Can’t wait! :D

Oh, and how could I forget? Thank you to all the councillors in the elections comm. We couldn’t have done it without your support and guidance. Supersized thank yous to Jie Ying and Kok Hao, cos they’re my group mentors.

2008-03-29T23:06:00.005+08:00

Went for FUNORAMA today, despite the odds.

It was funn. :] I'm happy I went, even though I had so many doubts before going. When Jade and I walked in, we were like, whoa. The whole place was pacckkedd. So yeah, I went with Jade, met Sherman, Cara, Joanna, Hannah, Jaime, Michelle, Andre, Yiying, Marie, Lydia, Ryan, Aaron, Lynna, Avril and Yiting, among other people. They were wonderful. (:

Haha, a friend bought me the funorama shirt, and my bro got his for $9, the usual price being $15. Yiying, Marie, Michelle, my bro and I are gonna wear it to church tomorrow. I got a bear! *Cheers* I love soft toys. Oh, and Lydia's friend treated us to a milkshake. It was waay yummyy. Haha. I didn't go into the haunted house, but people I met told me it was freaaky. I preferred to listen to the live band and pig out. We were quite disappointed when the prices didn't really drop after 6. Haha, it dropped more the year before.

Kudos to my brother, for helping me carry my bag, for providing the tickets and for being so wonderful.

2008-03-28T22:21:00.003+08:00

Cause I could never call you mine,
cause I could never call myself yours.
And if we were really meant to be,
then time will work its way.
And if it's really meant tobe,
this will work out someday.
---

Today was alright, it's just tonight that's not. I don't know why, but I feel I've been disillusioned. Maybe it's paranoia, or the fact that I'm really shagged, but I'm not a nice person to talk to now. Campaigning is taking quite a bit from me. Time with friends, time for myself, time for school work, time for dance. All for the sake of getting in. Please, people, vote for me.

As the anger ebbs away,
I have less and less to say.
As our love disappears,
So do our tears.

2008-03-18T23:13:00.000+08:00

If you love someone, let them go.
If they return to you, it was meant to be.
If they don’t, their love was never yours to begin with.
---

Tonight, the stars hide behind the clouds of our confusion,
The skies have run out of tears.
I ran at 10pm just now, because I wanted the ache in my heart to spread and engulf my physical being so I’d be distracted. Or at least run until everything outside hurts so much I get distracted from the pain inside.
I ran, but every step grew heavier and heavier. I couldn’t break free.
No, I won’t think tonight, because I’m so afraid of what I’ll do to myself when I’m alone.

Fly,
Perhaps it was never meant to be.
(& I still hold on to promises, and I just know.)

I broke a mirror today,
But my heart shattered some time ago.

2008-03-17T23:03:00.001+08:00

The musical was wonderful. Even though we put a lot into this musical, it was all worth it. Doesn’t matter how many people turned up, doesn’t matter what was written on the response forms. No, not really. It was such a privilege to share what we believe. I’m so glad that we managed to touch our lives, but yes, we do all things through Christ. Without Him, nothing is possible. I know that it isn’t our job to change hearts, because that’s impossible. Only God can do that; and He does every day.

Yesterday was rather bad. Thank you to everyone who came up to me to tell me that it was alright. Yes, He sees the heart, not just what’s outside. I was so tired, but again, I have to remember who I’m doing these things for. It’s not for me. I do this in the service of God, praying that I may bring glory to His name.

I am not perfect; in fact, I’m really far from it. By His grace, I am growing every day. I’m becoming stronger and better. This is who I am: me. I sincerely try to better myself, I sincerely try to change. I just need some understanding and patience? The Father will deal with me in His good timing. I won’t try to say that I’m a good Christian, for I am so small and so imperfect. In time, you’ll see. God will change me and make me beautiful, in His sight.

Sometimes I think that I’ll get too used to pretending that everything’s alright. I’m afraid that I’ll get too used to pushing everything into my subconscious, forgetting the bad things I’ve gone through. I don’t want to forget you, so I’m afraid. You will fade, without me consciously doing anything. It’s self-preservation. So decide, and stay true to your decision.

Thank you to the girls for the daisy (which I thought was a sunflower), Amanda and Shona, for the chocolates. Thank you to Wenjia, Janice and Qiu for making it on Saturday. It really means alot to me.

---
Yeah we've had our ups and down
But we've always worked them out
Am I ever glad we've got this far now
Still I'm lyin here tonight
Wishin I was by your side
Cuz when I'm not there enough
Nothing feels right
So I'm coming back to show you that
I'll love you the rest of my life

2008-03-14T23:38:00.001+08:00

So today at 9am, I realised that my costume wasn’t dry. It was still hanging outside, obviously miserably damp because of the rain. I had to leave, so I got my poor maid to dry it for me. She’s good, really. Later, I met Yiying, Samantha, David, Julian, Timothy and Eric for Step up 2 at 10am.

IT WAS AWESOMEEE.
I felt like dancing and dancing throughout the movie and I was squealing the whole time. Friends were probably amused. I was quite high after the movie. :] Imma so watch it again. And again, and again, and again. I won’t take up break dancing though. Hah.

Thank you to Daniel, Kallyn, Wenloong and Yx for turning up for the musical. It really means a lot to me. All of yall rushed down to watch it. Wenloong says that it’s the bestest musical he ever watched. ((: I’m glad the musical was a success, I’m so thankful that God touched people’s hearts today. Can’t wait for tomorrow’s performances!

Backstage is wunnerful. Everyone was happy and encouraging, and I really felt at home there. Thought about a few things too, since I tend to think a lot when it’s dark and quiet(-ish). So yeah, please do come for the performances tomorrow! Thank you Qiulin and Janice for promising to come!

2008-03-12T17:49:00.005+08:00

I'm free til 6pm today, cos dance camp was sorta cancelled. Everyone left at 8pm, (I left at 7pm because I had to rush off for rehearsals at plmgs.) Shiwei's choreo was so so good! (I mean, as usual.) Haha, and the tutting was really fun to learn. So yeah, I woke up at 2pm today. My maid woke me up threatening to make me cook my own lunch. I got to rest today, for real. Yay (:

Pictures taken on Monday. I love you guys! We should really go out more often. Thank you so much for the time we shared. Credits to Huixian for the pictures. I didn't dare take any; felt really unglam, somehow. Haha, how un-bimbo. Alright, now I feel as if I'm talking to myself.

*silence*

Uhm, yeah, okay, I think I should go eat my spaghetti and leave for plmgs soon. I'll be back home at 11pm, I think. I hope tomorrow goes as planned. Haha, cheers!

2008-03-10T00:03:00.002+08:00

I'm so sorry, totally know I haven't been updating. Promise I have very valid reasons. I haven’t been home much lately. :/

Anyway, most of you must know that I had my Ass week last week. Did I study? Yeah! I diddd. So proud of myself, I tell you. Haha. Nah, I slept more than I studied. For most of the days, I got home around lunch time. After having lunch, I’ll collapse on my bed and sleep for a good 4 hours. When I wake up it’s time for dinner and I’ll only start studying at 8. Plus, I only started studying on Thursday. Oh, whatever. I hope I don’t die.

Friday was alright. Qiu, RJ, Serene and I walked over to Cara’s house for abit. We walked for like, half an hour. >: ( Haha, so we checked the newspapers and decided to watch step up 2. It was supposed to start at 11:55, so we made it just in time. But you know, being as blur as we are, we saw the wrong timing. Sigh, it was at 11:55pm, not 11:55am. So we just lazed and walked around til 1:30pm, when we met up with the rest of the class for lunch at seoul garden. Shall not describe the crusty oil I saw on the hot plate. *winces* at 3:10, Janice and I met Erika and we rushed to school for dance. It ended at 7-ish, so I rushed over to Covenant Presbyterian Church for a talk on leadership. Reached home at 12, slept at 1:30am.

Saturday. Woke up at 7am, rushed for Peter Gn which started at 8am, ended at around 2pm. Went home for abit, then left for huixian’s house to stayover. Woke up the next day for church, had an interview with the elders/leaders of the church, then rushed off for musical rehearsals. Rehearsals started at 2pm and ended at 10:30pm. Was supposed to go to Erika’s house for a stayover to celebrate Janice and Sophia’s birthday, but got screamed at just for suggesting it. Sorry, dears. No, I’m not very tired now. *smiles*

Tomorrow, at 9:30am, I’ll be having Chinese tution. At 11/12 or so, I’ll be meeting the ip2 dancers to celebrate Janice and Sophia’s birthday. Leaving them at 1pm to meet Amanda, Huixian and Shona at cine to watch the leap years. When the movie ends, we’ll cross over to heeren for sushi. Then I’m off for Mr Gn which starts at 6pm and ends at 9pm.

An exhausted kara will then proceed to die on her bed. At 8:30am on tuesday, I’ll be awake so I’ll be able to go for dance camp at 10am. At 5 or so, I’ll leave for PLMGS for more musical full dress rehearsals. That’ll probably end at 10pm. Then I’ll go home, wake up early, repeat cycle for Wednesday.

Story of my life.

Anyway, I’ll be participating in a musical put up by my church on Friday and Saturday. It starts at 7:45pm on Friday, dinner’s provided at 6:30. On Saturday, there’ll be 2 performances: one at 2:30pm and one at 7:45 pm. Tea will be provided after the 2:30pm one and dinner will be provided at 6:30pm for the 7:45pm one. It’ll be held in Payar Lebar Methodist Girls’ School. Please please please come? Tell me if you can confirm that you’ll come, okay?

I’ll update more once I have the time. Cheerios!

2008-03-02T00:06:00.000+08:00

2008-02-29T20:36:00.005+08:00

I've actually started studying, and yeah, I'm making notes for econs, despite WQ's declaration that no one will bother to. I should really be studying now. :/
Anyway, I'm here to say that despite the fact that love sucks, it never ceases to amaze me.
It's so damn beautiful,
and I hate that it should hurt so much.

---
There's a mystery to what her love can do
And she has a way of taking over you
She can hold your heart with every move she makes
But a single smile is really all it takes

She'll make you forget the way life used to be
Because once you let her in, she will take your everything

She will tell me that her loves a day away
And there's something in her eyes that makes me stay
But her expectations are too great for me
So she'll leave me for the man I'll never be
She took all I had from beginning to end
But if I had another chance, I'd probably do it all again

The New York sky's finding me lonely in love tonight
This way I deal can't take away what is real
Or change how I feel

Cause her name is always Elizabeth
And she'll take your heart away and apologize for breaking it
Just the same, love of any other kind
Would simply be a waste of time
Love of any other kind
Would simply be a waste of time to me
---

hellogoodbye: thank you for the prayer, thank you for everything.
ash: didn't ask for forgiveness. didn't ask for your opinion.
cara: stay strong, love, you'll pull through. it's painful now, but soon, soon, it'll all be better.
maxine: aw, thanks (: yeah, i'm good.
huixian: i should think so. i need the retreat. sniff. haven't confirmed with my parents though.

2008-02-27T20:50:00.003+08:00

I can’t find the words to say, the right lines to explain what happened. You don’t even know what happened, you don’t even care. You didn’t even want to listen, to believe, to understand what really happened. So you come up with a blog post. Thank you, really, for telling me how you see it.

Well, the truth is that I’m not laughing. You assumed that. Why do you make yourself believe such things? Do you think I’m happy now? That I’ve just moved on? No, that line wasn’t for me, idiot. It was for you.

It is all my fault. Have you heard me denying it? It is my mistake, another wrong I’ve done, another knife I’ve pierced into your heart. But you never gave me the chance. You don’t give a damn about what went through my mind, do you? You just see what I’ve done and take it as empirical evidence to believe that I did this in order to hurt you.

I never promised you anything, and I, did, not, lie. I am not ready for a boyfriend. Stop making it seem as if I’ve betrayed you.

Look, I am not yours and you are not mine. What is there to be committed to? Have I cheated on you? The truth is, you have to accept that I have my own life. I don’t bloody care about my face. I’m done worrying about that. No, believe it or not, reputation doesn’t bug me as much as it did. What the hell, what face is there to save anyway? The whole world was there to watch, just like you said.

And you really truly believe that I’m not hurt? That I just went on with my life? Bloody hell, you don’t see me at all. You don’t see me at night, you don’t see me in church; you don’t see me when my heart shatters. You don’t hear the things I say to my friends, you don’t see my friends getting so afraid of watching their friend breaking. You don’t care. If you did, you could’ve asked Cara, or Janice, even. Or maybe sometimes actually read my posts.

You must hate me. I never should’ve done that. You probably think I’ve been doing this all along. Well, I can’t defend myself. Sometimes I wish you never met me. I wish I could reverse time, throw on the “totally dedicated to being single” shirt and sit at home.

I’m not good for you, you know.

/edit;
I remember that promise, I'm sorry.
& If you cared you would've given me the opportunity to talk to you.

2008-02-27T17:55:00.002+08:00

This song is for you, Christopher.
I'll see you in the chat logs.

2008-02-26T18:06:00.005+08:00

Yeah, I know, I totally ruined it.
(I say it looks better when you get to see the real thing though.)
What the hell, eh? I think it's a good first attempt at oil painting.

---
We move on;
I'll acknowledge your existence when you finally do mine.

/edit;
Crying makes you feel better, but it makes the people around you feel bad.
So I've decided to stop that,
yeah, I'll smile.

2008-02-25T20:35:00.001+08:00

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

-Thank you, loves.

2008-02-24T20:04:00.003+08:00

Maybe it's the therapy, but I'm bloody frustrated.
I can't please anyone, and everything's wrong.
Just go away, will you?
I hate this just as much as you do.
No one's perfect, and it never was supposed to be this way.

2008-02-23T17:57:00.003+08:00

Moment's impulse, moment's mistake.

It's been more than a week since valentine's day, and my life is just screwed as it is. It's true I handle everything wrong, and yes, I am a bloody idiot. It wasn't supposed to happen, and it shouldn't have. I was taken by impulse and drew near the glowing comfort.

I need support, alright? I,
I’m twenty leagues below independent.
I had no idea this would happen, it happened in an instant, and I couldn’t bear to..

So I have to ride through with this. And I’m not even letting myself give myself some excuse to run away or blame it on someone else.
I deserve this.

Oh God, help me please,
I’ve fallen so far without your light.

I bliddy confused and in pain.
I have to live with the consequences, answer the “is this really you?” question and reap what I’ve sown. There’re times I feel I’m worth a million roses, and there’re times I wish I hadn’t been born. (I wish it now.)

Heartbreaker,
I’ve run out of beauty,
Run out of excuses,
& I’m bloody tired of fixing the mess I keep creating.

This love tears you apart and breaks you down.
Once again, I’m sorry. (I’d say it to you in person if you’d let me.)
This is the worst I’ve felt since then.

2008-02-14T21:43:00.007+08:00

Happy Valentine's Day.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

-1 Corinthians 13: 4-10

Today was wonderful (: I received much more than I dared hope for and felt so much love. Thank you for everything. Thank you Serene, Qiulin, Yiyan, Cara, Renjean, Janice, Shuyi, Tracy, WenLoong, Daniel, JoeWei, Chuyun, Joshua and WanZhen. You people made me feel so special.

Alright, so V day is just symbolic, but I love it all the same.

Today was a long day though, I had classes, aep and dance. Ended at 8, as usual. Didn't go out (: So yeah, by the time I got to go home, I had to carry my normal (heavy) school bag, my (ridiculously heavy) school file, __ roses, alot of (yummy) goodies, a huge plush flower, a plush rose, a musical box, a snowglobe, my AEP portfolio (that's soo cumbersome) and extra goodies. Those who saw me would have observed 4 huge bags hanging from me.

Anddd, I had to take public transport.

On the bus, there was this sweet aunty. She told me that I should put sugar in the water for my roses when I got home. She also passed me 2 plastic bags to dump my huge file and huge portfolio in. She was cute, but it didn't really help. I was standing in the crowdedd bus and my roses were dying. I fingers felt like they were gonna drop off and my shoulders ached like ___. Then my whole arm went numb. Interesting.

Haha, oh well. I think the roses are happier now that they have water to soak up. Hurray to that.

I was so worried about this rose. (Haha.)

2008-02-06T22:32:00.000+08:00

This post says that kara isn't emo (:
She's not moody anymore, either.
Kara met up with Huixian and Amanda at Far east and did shopping.
She declares that retail therapy is indeed therapy.
(This is a positive and upbeat post.) <3

2008-02-06T12:51:00.000+08:00

I hate setting myself up for a disappointment.
I hate being alone when everyone else isn't.
No, I really don't have alot of hate in me.
It's just that I need alot of love.

So yeah, we had CNY celebrations at NJ. It was ~~fun~~ normal, I suppose. Everyone was in red. Cept me, Serene, Gayle, Gwen, Ash, haha, class people. It's amusing. I don't really like busking in red. (:
& I got high when my junior said I looked prettayye. Haha, yeah. Weakness for compliments.
After school, everyone disappeared. :/
I ended up in an 06 outing, but it was fun. Thank you belle for making me happy(:
They saved me- because if I didn't go out with them, I'd probably be in tears now.

I haven't done any CNY shopping yet, and I'm hoping to get some clothes today. Haha, I may or may not be able to, since alot of the shops ae closed. I think they should be open >:( people like me really need to do last minute shopping. Haha.

I'm disappointed,
dispirited,
and confused.
It's all quite terrible.

(But I'm making it sound worse than it is; I'm not emo, David. Just reflective.)

2008-02-04T20:37:00.000+08:00

I have concluded that painkillers really do work.
(Doesn't mean I change my mind, I still don't like them.)
Thank you to everyone who helped make the pain feel better. You people rock (;
Thanks for the smses, the calls, the late nights and all the concern.
Me better now, promise.
Me take those dreadful painkillers.

2008-02-01T09:20:00.000+08:00

Hello.
I'm at home now, and I don't know what to do.
I have uhmm.. I'm in pain. So yeah, my mum insists I stay at home. She says I'll faint if I go to school. I think it's just drama.
(I do feel like crap now, though.) Pain.
Anyway, if I stay at home and skip the 2 tests, I need to get an mc.
If I get an mc, these are the things I'll miss:

The 2 tests.
All the lessons of the day.
The career chart presentation thing.
The YFC meeting.
The NE ambassador's meeting.
Talentime, and Cara's performance, and my $5.

So yeah, I have a few choices to choose from now.

Go to school now, smile, laugh, tell the teachers I overslept and simply melt into a pool of blood later.
Go get MC and go to school after school ends and hide from all teachers. (My parents are very against this.)
Go get MC and sulk at home for the whole day while people get angry with me for skipping talentime and the 2 tests.

Haha, now seriously. Someone tell me what to do.
I don't want people to think I'm poning school to miss the 2 tests!
I'm not; I actually studied for them last night.
This is just so comical. Maybe I should just stick to my mum's idea and sulk at home.
(Btw, she thinks I'm turning green or something. Like my lips are really pale.)
I can't walk.

2008-01-28T22:04:00.001+08:00

No, it's not that she's afraid of losing you.
She's hurting because you are.

2008-01-27T23:48:00.000+08:00

CARA'S BIRTHDAY PARTAYYE.
Cara: Ariel
RJ & Qiulin: Dexter and Dee Dee
Yan&Janice: Buttercup and Blossom
Wen Loong: Pirate
Matthew: Indiana Jones
Joe Wei: Jedi
Ting: Tinkerbell
Maxine: Athena, the greek goddess
Kai: Zorro
Sherman: Willy Wonka
Gayle: Emily the strange
Tracy: Juliet
Josh: Ryan (high school musical)
WQ: L
Ash & Ben: Waiters, aka blood slaves for Cara.
WenJia and Reuben: Mr. & Mrs. Smith. (?)
Gwen and Shuyi: King and Queen of hearts
ME: (Can't you tell?) Daphne from Scooby Doo.

[END.]

2008-01-25T18:18:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was Cara's and Gayle's brithday. Go wish them a belated birthday if you haven't wished them already. (:

HAPPY SIXTEENTH, CARAAA.
Thanks for being there for me through the social storms and emo days last year. (: I probably wouldn't have survived without you. You my bestie in school.

So we blind folded her from the bus stop all the way up to the round tables, slapped a card onto her back, safety-pinned it there, stuck a tiara in her hair and gave her a pink disney princess balloon. (: We also stuffed a flower under the what-that-called on her shoulder. I have to get a picture. Haha, Cara teared, she did. She said that this was her best birthday ever.

We proud. :D

She had to walk around with a card stuck onto her back and a tiara on her head for the whole day. EVERYONE knew it was her birthday. Hah. Throughout the day, people wrote on her back and we constantly worried about the card falling off. Haha.

That's not all though! It's partaye time tmr(: We've been anticipating this for the longest time. We promise it'll be a bashh. YAY! I'm the official photographer, so imma be snapping pictures the whole night.

To people who haven't decided on their costumes: You die. Think! Think!
Alright, I confess I haven't confirmed mine yet. I will soon though! Haha, shh.

Ah yes. Yesterday was such a lonnng day. I was at school from 6:50 and lessons ended at 2. Rushed over to SWIRL to celebrate Gayle's birthday and rushed back to school at 2:50 for AEP. Was done with AEP at 5:30 or so and rushed to Bugis to meet Amanda. Had dinner, went to DIVA, rushed to church. Had band prac from 7:15 to 9:30. Then I (finally) went back home and collapsed.

So yes, as I promised myself, Imma sleep now! :D
Wake me up when dinner starts.

2008-01-23T21:55:00.000+08:00

Do you ever feel alone?
Despite all the friends you have, despite the lover, despite yourself.
Today, for no reason at all, I felt alone.
The laughter wasn't within my wave length, everyone seemed so far away.
I was confused.
Apprehensive about the people I'm close to, and all.
It's not like I've never felt this way before, but today was the first painful day I've had in months.
(I'm referring to emotions.)
Perhaps school just wears me down.
Perhaps it's just the hormones.
Maybe I'm just having a bad day.
I brush it off and tell myself it doesn't really matter,
That I really am loved,
But I know that I neeed to be needed.
I know that I need attention, security, comfort.
A hug,
An "I love you,"
Something.
It's me, and I know.
I'm not independent;
Who am I kidding?
The only problem is who I'm relying on.
I hate feeling insecure, I hate feeling unloved, I hate feeling alone.
I wanna be happy all the time, be a source of comfort, a listening ear, an understanding friend.
I hate being weak, I do.
I want to be strong, to depend on God all the time,
To love.
Yeah, I know,
What am I doing about it?
I'm praying. I'll be who I wanna be.
I'll be loved for who I am, and not something else.

One day.